Stop Domestic Violence & Abuse! You Deserve Better! 💯

*** Trigger warning: The following discussion includes mentions of domestic violence, which can be distressing or triggering for some individuals. Please proceed with caution & prioritize your well-being. If you need support, don’t hesitate to reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or professional for help.

     Abuse & domestic violence are two dirty little secrets in many people’s lives. I have no idea who got the bright idea to think it was ok to abuse another person, but it started a sometimes generational curse in many families. And unfortunately some people think it’s “normal.” 🥺

     Tonight’s topic is more serious than most of our blogs, but it’s important to address the topic. February, the month of love, is the perfect time to let survivors know that they’re not alone, there is hope, & this too shall pass. 💗

When You Plant a Seed…🌱

Domestic violence & abuse are taboo subjects. They’re not something that people want broadcasted when it is occurring in their romantic or family relationships. So many people suffer in silence; whether it’s a boyfriend being physically assaulted, a child being demeaned, or a wife being completely controlled. There’s no cookie cutter category for abuse, & many may not even realize they’re experiencing it.

     There are a few times I recall over the years that I technically experienced domestic violence. I just didn’t put the label on the occurrences because they were isolated incidents. I was kicked once when I tried to take the car keys out of a drunk boyfriend’s hands. I was shoved once because I caught one cheating. I kirked out both times, so I guess that’s why they were isolated instances. 😤🤬

     Both of these occurred before I really gained a sense of how healthy relationships looked. There were very few relationships I was exposed to that didn’t involve some type of dysfunction. Yelling, belittling their partners, cheating, lying, shooting at partners…those were some of the things I either witnessed or heard about growing up. And even though all those things went on, nobody parted ways. 

     This is the seed that was planted for me to develop a ride or die chick attitude in relationships. I just thought all of that was somewhat “normal,” especially because this is what I saw all around me, with family & with friends. I didn’t realize that it’s ok to ride with your partner, but we ain’t dying. Leave Bonnie & Clyde’s story with them; we don’t need any parts of that! 👎🏽

     Abuse doesn’t stop with causing harm to your body; emotional & verbal abuse leave scars that are just as ugly. I can say my parents didn’t abuse us. Some things have been said that cut deep, but compared to some of the things I’ve heard other people’s parents say to them, mine were barely scratches. However, between those words & actions & internalizing things peers would say to me, I was scarred.

It Will Grow…🥀

That seed started growing wildly, & it was one of the ugliest plants ever. I was drawn to toxic relationships. Even though I felt like arguments were a waste of time, I remained in several relationships that were in no way healthy. I began doing what I saw in friends’ & family’s relationships: putting up with mess. It didn’t matter what kind of mess it was; I was willing to push through so I could have a man. All the while, I was destroying myself. 🤕

     That ugly plant did all kinds of dysfunctional things. Take them back after they cheat several times: ☑️. Let them control the way you looked, where you went, & who you’d be with: ☑️. Get quiet when you were disrespected: ☑️ again. I don’t even remember anything I wasn’t willing to put up with. The dysfunction was a part of me & pretty much everyone around me, so the plant continued to grow. 📈

     The verbal & emotional scars were the worst. No matter what I did, I couldn’t erase the things that were said to me. I internalized everything negative that was said to or about me & buried the positive things in a basement closet. There are things I can remember verbatim & can recall where I was when it was said, & sometimes can remember what I had on. Ladies & gentlemen, that is trauma.

     Once trauma works its way into your being, you can be in the fight of your life at times. Those negative, traumatic experiences festered in me & produced a ridiculously insecure young lady who wouldn’t advocate for herself & withdrew into her own mind. 😞 There was no fighting them, so I just let it be.

     One particular topic was reocurring all around me: how skinny I was. I don’t think people realize it can be just as offensive to point out how skinny a person is as pointing out how big someone else is. You never know what a person is going through to make them skinny or thick. Weigh should be off limits. Not everyone has bought into society’s “norm” for looks.

     Those rude, inconsiderate comments embedded themselves into my brain so deep that I wouldn’t wear things I thought were cute because they would show how skinny I was. I literally didn’t buy nor wear shorts or dresses that were above the ankle from the middle of ninth grade until I was 26. And thank God the baggy era was the fashion fad back then, so I was able to get away with super big clothes & not look crazy…til it’d be 95 degrees at Carowinds & I had on jeans claiming to not be hot. 🥵 It messed me up!

     Three other experiences with men I trusted made me overly cautious & definitely not trusting. Being assaulted in any way deflates your whole being. I cringe at times when people hug or touch me, especially if they’re not someone who is close to me. The emotional walls went up, & I’d either be holding on for dear life to an unhealthy relationship or completely blocked off from any emotional ties. Periodically, I have flashbacks (I can remember exactly what I had on the day of one incident, & that was almost 20 years ago). Those seeds of trauma were planted so deep, & it took hella work to dig them up by the roots & attempt to destroy them. 💣💥

But If You Nurture It, It’ll Bloom 🌹

Any type of abuse is difficult to deal with. A lot of times, survivors put everything about themselves on the back burner. You become accustomed to doing everything possible to avoid experiencing another incident, especially by neglecting yourself. Tiptoeing around becomes the norm, & you try your damnedest to avoid stepping on a creaking board so it doesn’t disrupt the peace. 

     I definitely did the on the regular. Instead of advocating for myself or even expressing a difference of opinion, I’d just agree to their faces & go vent to someone else about what I wanted to say. 😶 I did things I wasn’t comfortable with just to avoid drama. Essentially, I shrunk around a lot of people. 

     Eventually, enough became ENOUGH, & Mocha was born in 2006. 😈 That Patti LaBelle new attitude was so unexpected for me. The shy, non-confrontational, nice chick turned into a monster once I dealt with the trauma & dysfunction. It was hard, & I backslid a lot, but practice makes perfect. And it all started with a little self-care. 🧘🏽‍♀️

     When you first change things up after experiencing dysfunction, trauma, & abuse, it’s uncomfortable AF! It feels far from normal, but even baby steps count as steps. 👣 It started small for me: slowly starting to pull away & put a little more time into myself. I’d take some time to read, or soak in a bubble bath, or just say “no” when I wasn’t feeling something. And picking up that first journal after going to a few therapy sessions was the best thing ever since I don’t mind writing. 📔📝

     Journaling became my own little safe space. I kept it hidden & would remember how I left it so I’d know if someone had been reading it. I poured every emotion I felt daily out onto those pages, AND IT FELT GOOD! ✍🏽 I felt like I was being heard because there was no one to interrupt me, argue with me, or tell me I was wrong for feeling a certain way. And that empowered me to eventually start saying some of those written things out loud. 💪🏽🗣️

     Additionally, I took taking care of myself a little more seriously. I cut back on going out drinking & popping pills every weekend & chose to chill at home instead. 🏡 I slowly disconnected from the dysfunction around me. ✌🏽I enrolled in grad school to occupy my time & justify not having time to spend with my toxic partners. 🎓 And I started going to church more frequently. ⛪️ Eventually, the majority of the toxicity moved on to other people & set me free.

     Prioritizing yourself & your well-being isn’t selfish. You deserve to take as much time as you need to pour positivity into your cup. You deserve to be happy, healthy, safe, & loved right. And there’s no need for you to feel guilty for taking any amount of time for yourself. 

And Others Around You Will Add to the Beauty of Your Garden 🪴💐

Leaving an abusive situation is difficult, & it’s not something that will happen when you snap your fingers. The thought to leave may be that quick, but the execution behind it takes time. Praise yourself for making even the slightest effort to pour into yourself. Start by just making sure your basic needs are met: get enough sleep, make sure you eat, & trying to be physically active. Over time, you’ll begin to add additional self-care practices into your routine. 

     Recognize that you’re not alone. For one, you’re not the only one experiencing domestic violence or abuse. Although it’s sad, there are thousands of men, women, & children being mistreated. Keep in touch with family & friends as much as possible. There are support groups that can help you work through your trauma. And there is hope that you will start to blossom into the beautiful flower you are, you deserve to be, & that the world needs to see. 🌺

     If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence or abuse, know that there is help. Below is the contact info for the National Domestic Violence Hotline & a list of self-care tasks to try as you work through your trauma. Your healing journey is ahead, & there are better days to come!

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233 or text START to 88788 or https://www.thehotline.org/ to chat

12 Self-Care Tips When You’re Battling Abuse

• Recite positive affirmations. This helps you reprogram your mind into positive thinking. 
• Do some type of exercise that excites you. It’ll take your mind off things for awhile, & it’s been known to help expel toxins from the body.
• Restart hobbies & activities that used to make you happy. They help to occupy your mind & have you feeling more like yourself again.
• Ask for help. Therapy works, & whatever you say in your sessions stay in your sessions.
• Find a survivor support group. Being around others who have gone through similar things gives you a place of comfort while being able to release the hold abuse has had on you. 
• Do deep breathing exercises. They help you decrease stress, relax your mind, & sleep & focus better. 
• Set goals & track your progress. They give you something to focus on that’s positive & show how much you’ve grown.
• Contact friends & family. We all need our tribe. Whether it’s biological or chosen, your people will have your back & be your strength when you feel defeated.
• Develop a realistic to-do list. Give yourself a few things to do daily, but don’t overdo it. The purpose is to occupy your mind, not to cause stress.
• Create a to-be list & add activities that help you become that person. We all have a vision of what we want to do & be in the future. Speak a better life into existence.
• Meditate for 10 minutes. Set your mind free to embrace just being in the present. It helps you relax & reset.
• Keep a gratitude list. You’ll find that you have more than you think to be grateful for. Don’t underestimate it.