The Power of I; There’s Way More in it Than You Realize
There’s one word in the English language that has one letter & an infinite amount of power: “I.” It’s so easy to feel empowered when you express something in first person. It becomes more real, more personal, & grabs more attention from others. It’s a signal to others to look at you. And it’s the most effective way for you to have your needs met.
My Plight
Boy, has it been a time with me learning the power of the word “I!” For a very long time, I was Ms. Passive. I sacrificed a lot of my wants, needs, & feelings for others’ benefit. Most of the time, I honestly just agreed to or with others because I didn’t want to feel like I was letting them down or to avoid conflict. It was just the easier thing to do in the moment…or so I thought.
Not advocating for myself did nothing positive for me personally. It made me uncomfortable at times because I’d agree to do things I really didn’t feel like doing. I’d just suck it up so I wouldn’t feel guilty for not helping someone. It made me stretch myself thin because I disregarded things I may have wanted or needed. And it put me in a cycle of prioritizing everyone except myself. I was on a road to disaster, & I crashed & burned several times.
Burning out on people & their needs made me a not so nice person over time. On the outside, I was Ms. Nice Girl, but on the inside I was Ms. Sour Apple Bitter Bish. I secretly despised a lot of people, simply because I felt like they were selfish & few of them would be there to return the favor if I needed it. I put the blame on them instead of on myself for not being strong enough to say “no.” But once I found my voice…
Baybayyyyyy!!! I’m a master at declining anything that will potentially disrupt something I have going on. Protecting my peace is top priority now. I don’t care if it’s money, time, a favor, or anything in between; if it has the potential to take away anything from me or any needs, it’s not happening. Ol’ sourpuss disappeared & Ms. Happiness arrived, inside & out.
Finding my voice & busting out of the people pleaser costume was what I needed to maintain my own sanity & health. There were times I’d work myself so thin I couldn’t move. My mental & physical health suffered. It felt like I was hit with a 1-2 punch. That was a feeling I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. It was horrible!
Since I woke up, I’ve been able to balance my “yes’s” & “no’s” more effectively, without compromising my own needs. I can still fulfill my duty to humanity by giving when it’s feasible for myself, but I accept the ability to say “no” when it isn’t. But I had to find my voice in a way that wasn’t destructive to my relationships.
The Method to the Madness
The method you use to express your needs depends on the relationship you have with the person. With strangers, you don’t have to worry about sparing feelings or destroying something you’ve built. With your loved ones, you have to have a gentler approach. Check these tips out:
Expressing your needs to friends:
- Be clear on what you want
- Communicate from a place of calm
- Avoid being accusatory
- Include steps to support you
- Offer to return the favor
Expressing your needs to your partner:
- Identify any stories you’ve been telling yourself about why your needs are not being satisfied & give your partner the benefit of the doubt
- Have a conversation with yourself about what it is you actually need. Separate your needs & wants. Have good energy & attitude while discussing the issue
- Avoid blame, shame, & criticism
- Pick an appropriate time to bring it up
- Find something to praise
- Focus on how you feel first then state why
- Clarify your need
- Make a request or invite them to solve the problem with you
- Thank them for listening
- Ask if there’s anything more they’d like to talk about
In both scenarios, there are recurring themes:
- Clarity: Be straight up about what your needs are & make sure the other party understands. Allow them to ask questions so there is no gray area
- Calmness: Going in with guns blazing won’t go over too well. You’ll be at war before you know it. Get your zen on before approaching the topic.
- Commending: We’re not here to point fingers or make people feel bad. Boost up the other party more than letting them know what they’re not doing. You’ll catch more flies with honey than vinegar.
- Compensate: Don’t think you’re off the hook for returning the favor. Your loved ones have needs too, so ask them what you can do to help them feel fulfilled as well. We’re about give & take over here!
Here are some other resources to help you out if you need some guidance:
https://www.voicesofyouth.org/mental_health_communicating_what_you_need
https://lastfirstdate.com/8-tips-how-to-express-your-needs-without-feeling-needy/
There’s So Much to Gain
Advocating for yourself will help you feel more fulfilled. You’ll feel like you’re receiving enough to replenish whatever you’ve used on others. This will definitely help in lowering your stress levels. The more you’re fulfilled, the better you’ll be able to cope with the more stressful things in life.
Speaking up for your needs also helps with your mental health. Studies have shown that feelings of depression & anxiety decrease when you advocate for yourself. Your self-esteem improves, & you’ll feel like you have more control over your life. Fulfillment is a beautiful thing that does a lot for a person from the inside out!
The pluses that come with getting your needs met work wonders for your relationships as well. It draws you closer to each other because you can see the mutual benefits. You’ll also get to know yourself better. Wins for everyone!
All in all, let your needs be known, but make sure you take time to really know what your needs are. You can’t come at a person saying they’re not fulfilling your needs if you don’t know what your needs are. I’ve said it before, & I’ll say it again: journaling works wonders! I manifested a whole husband by journaling. Literally wrote down all of the aspects I needed in a partner & checked the boxes off as I saw them in husbae when we first met. I think there were somewhere around 25, & he had them all (unbeknownst to him).
Grab one of our Intentional Journals off the website so you can start getting to know yourself & your needs better! Available at https://intentionallyevolve.com/product-category/journals/
