Friend, Family, or Foe, Anyone Can Go! There’s No Immunity in Relationships!
I’ve said it before, & I’ll say it again: “friend, family, or foe, anyone can go.” And I do mean ANYONE! A lot of people think that their relation to someone automatically gives them a pass to do & say whatever without the person ever disconnecting from them. Fake news (in my Trump voice)! You don’t get a pass for connections, so let me show you why & how I live by the above saying.
Friend, Family, or Foe: The Catalysts
Listen, there’s no shame in my game when I speak on my past. I’ve been through some serious 💩! My childhood was decent. I mean, there were some bumps in the road, but for the most part, we were “normal-ish.” But when the roses smelled like boo boo boo, they were rank!
The negative things I experienced did have an effect on me that was initially hard to shake though. I witnessed my share of unhealthy arguments; the kind that went too far. It set the tone for 2 polar opposites: thinking it was ok to be yelled & cursed at & retreating physically & emotionally without expressing myself. I took those behaviors into all of my relationships: romantic, platonic, familial, employment, all of the things.
From jump, I’ve been a people pleaser. I never wanted to disappoint or hurt others, so I’d agree to or with everything to avoid conflict. As a result, it would fester inside & I’d fixate on what I should have said or done for days at a time. I let people walk all over me. I was “the nice, quiet girl,” & that persona caused me a lot of heartache.
Literally every romantic relationship I had from the first to right before my marriage was more beneficial for the guy than myself. They did whatever they wanted, especially cheating, & I’d always forgive them. I’d get the short end of the stick but keep them on a pedestal, jumping at their every beck & call. The one thing I didn’t experience was being verbally or physically abused (I’ve been pushed a few times & kicked once, but none were extreme or traumatizing for me). I was fortunate enough to not have partners that went in that direction.
Life can be cyclical, & I was seeing the early years of my parents in my relationships. The rollercoaster ride of great & horrible but staying committed to remaining on the ride no matter what. I wanted someone to want me so bad I would put up with mess for years. So dysfunctional!
I definitely encountered my share of narcissistic men too. They’d never take accountability for their behavior; everything was my fault. They’d do whatever they wanted & had zero remorse. Some would watch me cry & have blank expressions like they were watching the news. They’d twist things so I’d give them what they wanted (the true definition of gaslighting), & they’d feel like they deserved it simply because I was with them. Many were arrogant AF, to an annoying level. The mind games had me second guessing myself more often than not. It was crazy!
My friendships seemed healthy from the outside, but I’d notice things here & there with some “friends” that I eventually figured out were frenemies. There was an unspoken, & unnecessary, competition I didn’t realize I was in with them. A few tried to get with the dudes I was dealing with, just to prove they could one-up me. The betrayal was almost like a Lifetime movie, & I’d stick around to avoid being lonely even though I peeped game.
I watched many fall out because of narcissistic ways, not necessarily narcissistic personality traits. A few always had to be the center of attention or it was a problem. They had to be the Beyoncé of the crew & refused to ever be ok with sometimes having to sing backup. They didn’t care how their actions impacted their friend group. They’d want me to choose sides because they had issues with others (which were over trivial stuff most of the time). It was a mindf*ck for a long time & pushed me to build walls when it came to connecting with other females. Friends turned into foes over time.
At work, I always pride myself in high work ethic. That’s a non-negotiable for me. I can’t be subpar & leave some lackluster impression on a previous employer. And because of that, I’ve been taken advantage of in many ways. I’ve carried the load for others. I’ve accepted pay that wasn’t top notch just to keep a job. I’ve allowed others to take the shine for my work. I even stayed quiet when I was sexually harassed (on almost every job I’ve had). Just hot mess!
Friend, Family, or Foe: The Reaction
All of these experiences created the harsh monster I can be today. Being screwed over so many times hardened my heart. The walls I’ve built are ridiculously high. For a long time, I was the poster child for the saying “no new friends.” I was rocking with the few same people I went to high school with (2 to be exact). I didn’t make any lasting relationships in college, although I am friends on social media with plenty of the people I met. Looking back, I wish I could’ve been more open to meeting new people. My college experience would have been far different.
Life experiences made me cautious & suspicious of everyone. I’m leery of anyone who has the potential to be in my space, so I Google everybody. That includes people I interview at work. I just don’t want the chaos & drama around me. Once I’ve done a deep dive on the internet & been around you for awhile to watch you, I’ll either let you in a little or stay really surface level with you. That’s nothing against other people; I’m just not open to touching a hot stove & getting burned again.
The few people who know me, I mean REALLY know me, have unknowingly passed so many tests it’s ridiculous. I have to know I can trust you & that you’ll ride for & value me as much as I do you. Once I see things are becoming one-sided, I chuck the deuces & tiptoe out. I can honestly say that the 3 or 4 people that are closest to me outside of family have been down through hell & back with me. There are no hidden agendas, no competitions, no envy, no potential to try to slide in my man’s DMs, & that’s a blessing!
Because I give the energy that I receive, there are a limited amount of family members that have access to me. You can’t be around everybody’s energy. About 99% of my family has not been to my house…any of my houses, & that’s by choice. The VIP list is super short to set foot into the place I rest my head. Honestly, there are some I communicate with on a weekly basis & others I might only interact with on social media. Now that I think about it, I’m not sure how many actually have my number 🤷🏽♀️. It is what it is, & I’m 100% ok with that!
And my mouth…I have to pray for my tongue several times a day because anything might come out of it. The silence of my past has created a mega beast now. I’m going to give it to you straight up, no chaser & most times don’t care about your feelings. I’ve learned that giving to others many times equals taking away from myself, & I’m not willing to do that anymore. Being quiet only gave me anxiety, stress, & being run over. No mas!
Setting Boundaries for Friends, Family, & Foes
Boundaries are necessary for everyone. No exceptions to this rule. No one should have all access to you at all times. Not your spouse, not your parents, not your kids, not your job, NOBODY! We all deserve some peace, quiet, drama-free alone time. It’s good for the mind, body, & soul.
It took me a long time to really understand & implement boundaries. I had to honestly teach myself how to say “no” & stand on that. I’m not obligated to do anything for anyone except the ones who live in my household, & those things are few: love them all, take care of our 4 kids, & uphold my vows to my husband. That doesn’t mean I have to give them 100% access to me 24/7, & the same goes for them.
My favorite boundary now is the good ol’ Focus setting on my iPhone. I have set so many boundaries it’s amazing most people can get through to me. My husband & kids can call or text me between 9:30pm-5:30am during the week & 7am on the weekends They can reach me 24/7/365. Anyone else has to call back to back to get through & better pray I actually answer. People ask “what if it’s an emergency,” & my response has always been “if you have my husband’s number, I can help you in an emergency.” Seriously, if you’re not close enough to me to have his number, we ain’t close enough for me to be saving you at all hours of the day & night.
My innermost circle are on my Favorites list. They have a little more access to me, like being able to contact me when I’m on vacation. I’m just glad they respect that I’m on vacation & will wait until I come back unless something drastic has happened. Anyone outside of my Favorites can call or text whenever they want, but it doesn’t mean I’m notified right away. I even have the spam calls blocked to go straight to voicemail. Anything or anyone who can drive my blood pressure up is dealt with on my terms.
I used to be so dedicated to work that I had my emails on my phone. Yeah, that’s dead now. First of all, I’m not salaried, so unless you’re cutting a check for my time, you’ll have to wait until I clock in again. Second, there’s nothing that important that can’t wait until I return. If it is, I’m sure someone else who’s getting paid at that time can assist you. People would call when I was out of the country on vacation, so now all texts are muted from anyone I work with when I’m on PTO. It’s the only way I can feel like I can disconnect from working since I work from home. It has to start & stop somewhere.
Narcissists 101
As I’ve said before, dealing with a narcissist can have you questioning your every move. It’ll have you thinking you’re losing your mind, you’re not good enough, & everything is your fault. Quite frankly, it’s mentally & emotionally draining. However, there’s hope, my people! You can move accordingly so you uphold your mental health, but you have to know what you’re dealing with first.
Let’s start with this: narcissism is a mental health diagnosis called Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It doesn’t just mean they’re a conceited person who only cares about their benefit. It’s much deeper than that. Here are a few resources to help you understand this disorder more:
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm#:~:text=Narcissistic%20personality%20disorder%20involves%20a,selfish%2C%20patronizing%2C%20and%20demanding.
Now that you know what to look for, you’ll need to recognize those in your life that might have some of those symptoms. If you really think about it, you might have come across someone who could meet the criteria to be diagnosed with this disorder. Check out these signs of a narcissist, especially in relationships:
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/am-i-dating-a-narcissist
I think the hardest part of me dealing with a narcissist was the gaslighting. It had my head spinning trying to figure out if my reality was what was really real. They’d lie without blinking, just to cover up something they did. Sometimes the lie would go on for months, & it didn’t even matter if they knew I’d witnessed the situation. They’d twist the truth so much that I think many of them believed their own lies. Talk about being manipulated & second-guessing yourself!
Then the scapegoating & coercion would trickle in. Everything was someone else’s fqult, to include mine. There was no accountability for their actions, but I’d assume they were remorseful when they’d turn on the charm & reel me back in. I’d feel completely beaten down because I wasn’t sure what the difference between up & down were by the time they’d turned the charm on. I was trippin’!
Thank God for growth, maturity, & allowing good people into the walls I’ve built! Reflecting on my younger years shows me how much I didn’t value myself when it came to others. I’m just glad I was able to recognize some things before I ended up spinning out of control. I had to learn that I had to protect myself before being able to protect anyone else, & sometimes that means cutting people off. I’m less stressed & way more peaceful now, so I guess my motto works. Y’all better get into it!
