SOS, Please Someone Help Me!

“Help me” is a phrase that can be difficult for me. There’s not just one reason why it’s hard for me to ask others for help though. On one hand, I’m an overachiever. I can’t help but want to do things independently. I love a challenge. But on the other hand, many of my past experiences with people have contributed to me not wanting to ask for assistance. Far too many times, I’ve had people throw things in my face, so I choose to reach out for help when I have absolutely no other choice.

     Reaching out to others for assistance doesn’t have to be difficult though. You just have to be able to recognize your warning signs that it’s time to allow someone a chance to help you out. I tend to push myself to the edge, teetering on the brink of losing it before I ask for help. I get overwhelmed, irritable, start to have headaches, & become fatigued. I have to almost feel like I’m going to break before I’ll send a smoke signal for assistance…& that’s so not good!

Contributing Factors

There are numerous contributing factors to people not asking for help. Some are perceptions, some are learned, some are assumptions. All can lead you down an unhealthy path of taking on the world solo though.

     Culture plays a part. Being American, I tend to focus on being independent. Us Americans have a norm of being individualistic. We rely on ourselves a lot, & that can be seen as a sign of strength. My parents raised my sisters & I to be independent women, so that culture has contributed to me not reaching out for help as often. We all are about action & will go to the extreme before we ask for help. We’re just programmed that way.

     Fears are also contributing factors. The fear of looking weak or incompetent is one that stays in the back of my mind. I don’t like being vulnerable. Not so much because of how I will appear to others; more-so because I’m wondering if they’ll use what they know against me. Been down that road a lot in the past, so I’m very apprehensive about asking others for help.

     The fear of being rejected is another one that can weigh on me at times. Hearing the word “no” can be a hard pill to swallow. It’s probably why I have a hard time telling some people “no” without feeling guilty. I wrestle often with myself when I know I need to say “no” because it’s in my best interest. I just assume others won’t feel as guilty & may automatically reject my request. Add in not wanting to be a burden to anyone, & we have a recipe for taking on way too much alone. 

Red Flags 

     I know my red flags, but not everyone can recognize the signs that they need to ask for help. Check this list out & take note of some of your warning signs:

• Struggling with your mental health
• Doing something that’s bad for your health
• You don’t have anyone else to talk to 
• Your day-to-day life is affected 
• Extreme mood changes
• Changes in biological functioning such as sleep patterns, appetite, sexual urgency, & energy
• Excessive use of substances, food, or sex
• Undergoing a major change
• Something traumatic happens
• You no longer participate in activities you once found enjoyable

     Knowing your warning signs helps you to counter them before things get too rough. I’m guilty of allowing things to build up until I explode, & that negatively impacts my relationships. Nobody wants to be around a grouch, much less help them. And when I do experience those times, I notice the change in my mental health. I start isolating myself a little more than usual & don’t feel like talking as much. I become more anxious & feel low. I allow the situation to overpower me instead of me taking charge of the situation.

Rescue Tips

     Help is on the way though! All hope isn’t lost! Asking for help takes practice in order to become more comfortable with doing so. Try these 7 tips:

1. Tap into the science behind asking for help: Studies show asking for assistance may promote feelings of happiness, increase self esteem & social connection, lower stress levels & blood pressure, & help live longer. Might as well try something with proven benefits!

2. Make it a habit: Practice makes perfect, & I can attest to the more I do something, the easier it becomes to do. In turn, the more you ask others for help, the easier it’ll get to do the asking.

3. Make SMART requests: Your requests need to fit the following criteria so you can get exactly what you need: specific, meaningful, action-oriented, realistic, & time-bound. The more information you include, the better equipped your helper with be to help.

4. Normalize asking for & receiving help in your social circle: Your circle is supposed to have your back, just like you have theirs. Pour into each other so everyone benefits.

5. Try the “reciprocity ring:” This activity involves sitting in a circle, & each  person asks for something they need. This can be within your family, friends, or work groups. It’s a method for everyone to feel supported.

6. Be curious about rejection: Don’t take the “no” someone gives you personally. Use the opportunity to figure out the why behind the answer. It might just be that that person isn’t equipped to assist you. It could be a blessing in disguise!

7. Consider talking to a therapist: Therapy is a beautiful thing! I’m actually thinking about going back so I can unload a little more & not burn out my self-care tools. Licensed therapists can help you work through your issues surrounding asking for help. The unbiased view of things, coupled with lots of therapeutic training, can give you the guidance you need & help you figure out why you don’t ask for assistance.

     Nobody likes to be vulnerable, but vulnerability is necessary for growth. There’s no shame in needing help. We all are in need of something at some point in time. If you’re looking for more tips on how to assert yourself, check these links out:

https://kripalu.org/resources/why-asking-help-self-care

https://blogs.webmd.com/psoriasis/20220126/asking-for-help-as-an-act-of-self-care