We All Have Baggage; We Just Don’t Have to Be Bag Ladies!

How heavy is the baggage you’re holding on to? Do you have a small purse or a slew of luggage? We all have baggage that we come with. It doesn’t matter if it’s a little or a lot; nobody is immune to having things that seem to hurt or weigh you down. 

How It Started

For a long time, I felt like I had plenty of baggage to go around. I toted things around from my childhood surrounding family, school, self-image, friends, all types of things. Because I was so quiet & shy, no one really ever knew if something was wrong with me. I just kept it bottled up & buried myself in books, music, & overachieving to avoid addressing the elephants in the room. Little did I know, I was setting myself up for failure later in life.

     Not addressing issues, which I later learned were traumas, caused me to think some things were normal. Allowing people to say or do whatever to me & turning the other cheek became my go to mechanism. I had the cookie cutter response of “it’s ok” on the tip of my tongue, even though whatever was said or done was eating me up inside. I’d do or say anything to avoid conflict, rarely allowing others to see that I actually had emotions or was negatively affected by whatever occurred.

     I was the “good girl.” I stayed on honor roll every year. I joined a ridiculous amount of school clubs so my Senior credits would be major. I was a Girl Scout, taking pride in earning patches for my sash. I stayed out of trouble so my parents wouldn’t fuss. I was all these things, but I wasn’t completely myself. I was just a shell. 

     But that image was a costume. What appeared to be a confident, successful girl was really an insecure one. For example, it took 1 boy in 8th & 9th grade to tease me about having skinny legs to plant a seed that changed the way I dressed for over a decade. I stopped cheerleading because of my newfound insecurity. I only wore shorts to bed & dresses or skirts that were ankle length. Maxi dresses were in (even though I don’t remember calling them that), but I was so self-conscious about my legs that I didn’t show them. It could be 100 degrees outside & I’d still have on my signature baggy jeans & t-shirt like TLC. I thought it was normal & I was in style; it was trauma.

     I thought marriages were filled with hard times, that arguing & getting divorced was normal. On one hand, my parents were married but it felt like it was always some mess going on. They were MARRIED & living in the same house though. On the other hand, most of my friends’ parents were either divorced or never married. All parts just fed into the stereotype that marriage is really hard. It had me feeling like I never wanted to get married or have kids. Trauma, again.

     Then when I got old enough to date, I put up with any & every type of disrespect possible. Whether it was cheating, talking to me any way, or a few times getting physical, I took remained in those relationships because I felt like that’s what a woman was supposed to do. It was either that, or be alone, & who wanted to be without a boyfriend in their teens & 20’s? Hello…trauma.

     Being that good girl came with a price: when I messed up, it was the end of the world! Making simple mistakes gave me anxiety. I didn’t want to be judged by others. And that image had me striving for heights that were impossible to reach…which only caused more anxiety. I had stomachaches & bit my nails constantly because I was so anxious. That was no way to live.

How It’s Going

Maturity coupled with the knowledge I gained from working in the behavioral health field taught me to call a spade a spade. I had traumas I needed to deal with so I could do more than survive. I needed to THRIVE! I started to see things for what & people for who they were. Everything wasn’t universal, & everyone wasn’t going to have the same experiences. That’s the beauty of life.

     My self-esteem got rescued by a boyfriend in my mid-20’s ironically. Although my mom always told us we were beautiful & it seemed like I had no problems being considered attractive to others, I still wasn’t feeling that way. I don’t know what made it click one day, but his positive reinforcements brought my mojo back. At first, I was self-conscious. I’d always think someone was looking at the one flaw I was most insecure about. Then I figured out nobody cared, & if even they did so what! The South is too damn hot to be running around looking like a skater boy in the summertime!

     Seeing myself in a lot of the clients I worked with taught me to face what I had going on. I felt so dragged down by my baggage that I contemplated driving off an overpass one night after Christmas. Because of my job, I knew how to handle what I was dealing with. That’s when I started really journaling. It gave me the opportunity to get things out of my head & try to figure out how to put them behind me. I wrote every night & still do. It helps me digest, brainstorm, strategize, & decompress. That’s the reason I created the Intentional Journal with so many aspects to it. Each aspect helped me along my journey. You can pick one up on the Shop Intentional Products tab (https://intentionallyevolve.com/product-category/journals/). 

     Nothing I learned in school prepared me to deal with my baggage. Real life scenarios in the community equipped me for the woman in the mirror. I saw families going through unspeakable things; things that people should never experience, especially in a country that supposedly has so many opportunities. And a lot that I saw in them, I saw in myself. Just like I was able to guide them through things life threw at them, I worked to guide myself out of some of the muck that trauma left behind. Between using coping skills from work & going to therapy, I was able to clear my path of some of the clutter. It wasn’t easy, but I was determined to not pass any of it on to my kids.

     Don’t get me wrong, those past traumas still try to invade my life at times, but I’m much more equipped to handle them. I can throw those bags right into a corner with a little effort. Just like it was hope for me, there’s hope for you. We’re never down & out, baby!

The Weapons

You’ll need a bag of tricks to help you work through those old wounds, but at least it won’t be weighing you down. Here are a few things you can do to release the past hurt:

• Acknowledge the wound (admit it exists)
• Personify the struggle (identify the origins)
• Embrace the hurt (grieve & don’t try to fix it)
• Receive gracefully (receive guidance from the heart & gut)
• Release (let it go)
• Talk to someone who will listen without judgment  
• Feel the thing you don’t want to feel (don’t avoid the feelings)
• Stop shaming yourself & others 
• Stop blaming yourself & others
• Talk to a therapist, healer, or coach 
• Be present (don’t try to undo & redo anything or stay in go mode to avoid things)
• Know you were never broken or wounded in the first place (this is how you were made by God)

     There’s no way around experiencing wounds, even if you grew up with the white picket fence & Cliff & Claire Huxtable as your parents. Everybody hurts; but more importantly, everybody HEALS! There’s hope for you so stay consistent, ask for help when you need it, & keep the faith. Better days are coming! 

Resources

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/201907/healing-the-past-in-the-present?amp

https://www.wikihow.com/Heal-Old-Wounds-in-a-Relationship

https://coloradorecoveryservices.org/the-impact-of-unresolved-trauma-on-relationships/