The Most Powerful Word in the English Language is No! Intentional

“Alexa, play ‘No’ by Meghan Trainor!” The power of the word “no” is something serious! Back in the day (& sometimes now), your girl struggled with using that word. I’d get major anxiety when I had to decline doing something I really didn’t want to do. I was too focused on being liked & a people-pleaser to really understand how my “yes” to them was a “no” to myself…& that’s not always cool.

As I gained some age, experience, maturity, & wisdom, I became more comfortable with advocating for myself, my needs, & my wants. The lil guilt monster will pop its head in at times, & I’ll agree to do something I may not have wanted to do; but for the most part now, I’m going to say “no” if I’m not feeling it.

That growth came once I learned the importance of setting boundaries. I came to realize that many people don’t understand or respect others’ boundaries, especially people who are close to you. Far too many think they get a pass because they happen to be genetically connected to you. Umm…no!

What Are Healthy Boundaries?

We have boundaries, & then we have healthy boundaries. Boundaries are just limits you have. Healthy boundaries are limits formed with a purpose: to stay resilient, solid, & content with who you are. They allow you to maintain the balance that’s essential for you to thrive, not just survive.

Everyone is entitled to have boundaries around whatever they choose. They don’t just have to be around your body. Some of those areas are:

Emotional energy
Time
Personal space
Sexuality
Morals and ethics
Material possessions and finances
Social media

I definitely have boundaries around my emotional energy & personal space. I’ve learned to protect my peace by putting boundaries around my energy. I’ve always been one who could read others pretty accurately. I’m going to initially sit somewhere where I can observe my surroundings if it’s unfamiliar territory (including the people). I probably won’t say much because I’m most likely trying to determine if it’s worth investing my energy into. I’ll just appear to be an antisocial person, when in fact, I’m reading your energy.

I’m also big on not allowing people to come to my house. If you get an invitation to my house, you know you’ve passed the test. Most of my family haven’t been to any of my houses. It’s no shade; it’s just that I know my limits. Not everyone respects my rule of not just “popping up.” Ya girl will look at you right through the doorbell camera while I’m chilling on the couch & not answer. My house is my sanctuary, so nothing & no one is allowed to come in that’ll disrupt that peace.

My personal space is one I’ve always had boundaries on. I’m not big on people touching me. Energy, amongst other things, is transferable. You have to be in my CIRCLE circle to hug me. Shoot, my older adulthood showed me how to be more comfortable with that. I didn’t really like anyone to touch me when I was younger. But realizing how important it is to show your loved ones you love them & how short life is have pushed me to express my love to my closest folks.

I’m still working on putting boundaries around my time & finances. I’m a natural helper, so it’s a little harder for me to decline helping others. If I have it, I’ll probably give it to you, even if it sets me back. That’s not a good thing, but cut me some slack. I can’t be good at everything 😂.

No one should have an all-access pass to you. You deserve to have boundaries around whomever & whatever you choose. Strangers aren’t the only people whom you should have boundaries for. Set the tone for each of these folks too:

Family
Friends
Romantic relationships
Coworkers

I don’t know if Android phones have the DND feature, but that’s one of the biggest reasons I have to keep my iPhone. My phone goes on DND automatically at 9pm every night & doesn’t come off until 5:30am throughout the week & 7am on weekends. My kids, my husband, & my alarm system are the only folks who can get through during those hours unless the person calls back to back. I would get a lot of unnecessary/unimportant texts, calls, & emails during those hours, causing me to have interrupted sleep. I get the grumps when I have broken sleep, & most people aren’t working during the ungodly hours I do. I’m not going to call/text anyone at a crazy hour, but everyone wasn’t raised with the “10p-10a don’t call the house phone” rule I grew up with.

Some people ask how that works when my close friends & family have emergencies. Easy: if you don’t have my husband or kids’ phone numbers, you don’t need to use me as an emergency contact. Anyone I need to move for during those hours knows to call one of those people to get my attention. Otherwise, it’ll have to wait.

Give Me Some Bonuses

Having solid boundaries helps in so many ways. The main reason for me is living more peacefully. There’s nothing like peace! A few other bonuses of setting healthy boundaries are:

Protecting you from being used or manipulated by others
Keeping you from becoming drained by others
Having lower levels of stress
Having higher self-esteem

Putting those boundaries up will cause much more good than bad…for you. It really doesn’t matter how others are affected by your boundaries. You will find how much people respect you when you enforce them though. I definitely found out who was ok with me setting my boundaries & who wasn’t. It made it extremely obvious who was there for their own benefit.

Setting the Tone

Last weekend, I attended a mental health symposium & it touched on boundaries. It was right on time & reinforced to me how important this series on heathy relationships is. Boundaries are essential to managing your mental health effectively, so we have to keep the conversation going about these things.

When you start setting boundaries, especially new ones, you have to clearly communicate them. People can’t respect them if you’re not clear on what you’ll allow & won’t allow. Some will try to buck the system, but if the person really respects you, they’ll respect your boundaries.

Many people have trouble advocating for themselves in the boundary department, while others have trouble with people not respecting their boundaries. Here are 5 ways to set healthy boundaries:

Visualize & name your limits
Openly communicate your boundaries
Reiterate & uphold your boundaries
Don’t be afraid to say “no”
Take time for yourself

Regardless of whose feelings you might hurt, enforce your boundaries. It’s about what works best for you, not about what makes others comfortable. Why suffer for someone else’s comfort? Nobody can advocate for you better than you. Use your voice, & stand firm! Eventually people will either get the message or get to steppin’ (both of which are perfectly fine). You just sit in the driver’s seat & determine where to go.

It’s also ok to re-evaluate your boundaries & change them up when & how you see fit. There are no rules, other than not intentionally hurting others by setting them. Do what’s best for you & embrace your serenity! Change is a beautiful thing & shows that you’re growing. Let’s keep growing, my people! You deserve the peace!

Resources

https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries

https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-set-boundaries/amp/