💞 Understanding Healthy v/s Unhealthy Relationships: A Beautiful Journey Through Journaling 🗺️🧭

Get ready…I’m pushing journaling all on y’all this week! 📓 This last week of our relationship self-care series explains a little more of how I came to create Intentional & our first product, the Intentional Journal. You’ll see how I switched from going to the WWW to writing on pages, how I manifested the beautiful soul I married, & how journaling helped an extreme introvert communicate better & let people in, all leading to me recognizing healthy v/s unhealthy relationships.

The “Balance” Between Healthy v/s Unhealthy Relationships ⚖️

For a long time (& I do mean loooooong time), I had no clue what a healthy relationship really looked like. 🤔 When you grow up & see most people around you acting the same way, you develop a sense of normalcy, even when it’s not healthy. The arguing, falling out with family members, having frenemies, putting up with whatever, overspending…all were things I saw in some capacity between home, school, friends, & the community. And I legit thought some of those things were “normal.”

     Don’t get me wrong, those things are common, & I’m pretty sure we all have participated in or experienced some (or all) of those things. However, it doesn’t make them healthy relationships. 💯 Until I started really learning about life outside of my bubble & got into the behavioral health field, I didn’t recognize how unhealthy many of my relationships were. In fact, I think almost all of my relationship were unhealthy AF!

Healthy v/s Unhealthy Relationships: Romance 🥰 

Honey, ya girl was misled completely for decades! 😵‍💫 There weren’t many examples of “perfect” relationships outside of fiction. In my young naïveté, I thought I was supposed to fall in love in high school, get engaged to said person in college, & live happily ever after. FAKE NEWS!!!📰 

     And because of such fake news, I thought I was supposed to tolerate anything, so I became a serial cheating tolerater. (Yes, I made up that word 🤷🏽‍♀️). I thought arguing & cutting a fool when I was hurt was normal. I thought you’re supposed to make it work no matter what…& I was all wrong!

     My unhealthy romances went on until my 30’s. The fear of being alone & having to deal with the person in the mirror was enough for me to just make sure there was a masculine body next to me on a regular basis. 😱 And since pretty much every marriage I knew of had some level of drama, I decided I didn’t want a husband or even for a man to live with me; I just wanted another kid & whoever the baby daddy was could stay outta my space. It wasn’t worth the risk of being hurt again.

     Enter journaling; the tool that forced me to get right. 🛟 Prior to journaling, I’d vent on MySpace via things I posted. I’d go OFF on those posts, especially when they were aimed at a female that was my rival. I was ruthless & stupid ridiculous! Thought I was Phaedra Parks or somebody reading people for filth. Mean AF!

     When I started journaling following my suicidal thoughts, I got to know myself better. And as I got to understand who I was more & became more aware of what I wanted, I started making a list of things that weren’t negotiable in my next relationship. I know I listed over 20 things, but those things made me see exactly how ridiculous some of my prior requirements were. 📋 For example, I used to think my man would have to have a college degree since I have one. Yeah, not anymore. I was boxing myself in.

     What I didn’t know is I was manifesting the man I wanted & needed, based on that grown woman list. ✅ The more I got to know husbae, the more items got checked off my list. Within 2 or so months, he’d met every single one of those boxes. That was when I really realized the power of journaling & manifesting things. Hella real!

Healthy v/s Unhealthy Relationships: Friends & Family 🧑‍🧑‍🧒‍🧒

Competition isn’t supposed to happen between family members, unless y’all are playing games. 🕹️ Unfortunately there seemed to always be a competition in some of my circles. Whether it was who had the better grade, who had the better man, or who’s getting farther than me in life, there was some sideways mess going on. Thing is, I didn’t know that’s what it was. I was oblivious to people actually having a silent competition with me. Just young & dumb, strictly to keep people around

     I really didn’t even recognize the unhealthy habits. I just was battling with getting to know myself but not being comfortable with being alone. I would ignore disrespectful things that “friends” & “family” would do or say. I’d push myself harder academically just to be on top. I’d agree with everything so I could avoid conflict. Everyone I thought I loved or thought loved me got a pass, FREQUENTLY. The whole thing was sad! 😭 

     I didn’t recognize how unhealthy some of my relationships with friends & family were until I got into a dark place. 👿 I started evaluating the people connected to me & decided I was there for many people way more than they were for me. I was hurting, & my solution at the time was to take myself out of all relationships permanently by deleting myself from existing. 🪦

     This is the point I sought help & bought a notebook to start writing. Journaling gave me so much insight into the mess that I was & the mess the relationships around me were. 💭 I was able to be real with myself without judgment & see people for who they really were. I wrote every night. ✍🏽 Reflecting back, I have no idea how I was able to write so much, but it showed me exactly what I was dealing with.

     Those little notebooks turned me into a monster, but in a good way. 😈 I started cutting people off or just reciprocating energy. I stopped giving out those passes & held people accountable. I used my voice, & it shocked the hell out of a lot of people. They weren’t used to be fighting for myself, & it felt great! Journaling helped me take my power back.

     With power came losing dead weight, a lot of dead weight. My “friend circle” became more like a triangle or square, depending on the time in my life. 🔺▪️ I only started consistently dealing with people who were genuine & showed up for me consistently. I only dealt with family on that same level too. Hell, I had more inherited family through my parents’, my siblings’, or my own relationships than I had blood family. It had to be “show up & show out or ship out.” ✌🏽

     Now, my healthy relationships look like mutual checking in on one another. Look like boundaries when necessary. Look like voicing my opinions, disagreeing, & advocating for myself & people being ok with that. Look like celebrating my wins & picking me up from my losses. 🎉🫂 Look like not being treated any kind of way just to avoid being lonely. And they’re all without fallouts because we know how to communicate & respect one another.

Healthy v/s Unhealthy Relationships: Work 🗂️

I’ve always been a workaholic. The grind is embedded in my DNA. 🧬 My family knows no other way. We can’t keep still, & when we’re forced to, it’s super uncomfortable. On one hand, the impeccable work ethic is embraced by our jobs. On the other hand, we’re taken advantage of at times & get burnt out. 

     When I was working in the community, I had such unhealthy relationships. I was accessible 24/7. I got calls on my honeymoon. Anyone could call or text me on any day at any time, & I’d answer the phone to diffuse the crisis. 🆘 I could make kids do what they were supposed to do even though their parents could not. I even stopped cooking one Thanksgiving morning to go out to de-escalate a crisis. I ran more households than just my own. 

     The stress of working hands on in the behavioral health field can be very overwhelming. I’ve seen & read things I’ll never be able to unsee. 😵 Being in crisis mode almost all the time had me reacting to situations outside of work in crisis mode. This was another way journaling helped me. I had to unload somewhere every night. Not only did it help me cope, it also helped me change my own unhealthy behaviors.

     On top of all that, I’d have to come home to complete paperwork after working all day. There was no work-life balance; work was basically my life. ⚖️ I had to make a change, & to do that, I had to be ok with being uncomfortable financially & starting over at a new place. I took a $10/hr pay cut to transition from the community to the hospital, but I had benefits & more consistency. 

     Transitioning ended up being a good thing. I had set work hours. When I was home, I WAS HOME! 🏡 No paperwork, no after-hours phone calls, no running anyone’s household other than my own, no extra mileage on my car; just home. And I liked my new job. It was different, & I was behind the scenes. I only had to work 3 12-hour shifts Sunday-Tuesday, then I could do whatever the rest of the week. 

     The best part: I had PTO! 🤑 Whereas in the community, I had to go back to work 2 weeks after having a C-section due to not having benefits or PTO, I could take time off now & still get paid. My work-life balance became so much healthier. And I had no worries, but I still turned into a bit of a workaholic.

     My current job is easy. My coworkers are fun to work with. Our department has never been serious 24/7, & it’s like a little family (I call it my workily). 🤗 But the easiness made it too convenient for me to pick up open shifts. I became too dependable to fill shifts & give information, so it began being a little cynical. 

     It’s tough being Mrs. Dependable. Although being dependable is a positive quality, it can also become unhealthy without boundaries. That’s what I’m trying to dial back to now. 🔙 Trying to not volunteer as much, be too quick to answer questions, or be so accessible when I’m off. Reestablishing boundaries can be hard for a giver, but it’s necessary to maintain healthy relationships. 

Intentionally Evolving into Healthy Relationships 💞

When I started improving on managing my stress & relationships in healthy ways, I felt the need to pass knowledge on. Each one teach one. 💯 So in my pandemic boredom, I created the Intentional Journal.  I took every characteristic that I found helpful in my used journals & compiled them into 1 product. 

     I hated having to buy a new journal every couple of months, therefore I made this one 366 pages. 📓 Since people can begin their journal journeys at different times, I left the pages undated. I loved being able to record things I learned & was grateful for, so I added sections on every page. I put a writing prompt every 3 days to change up the monotony & help stretch your brain some. 🧠 The cherries on top were the daily affirmations & next day goals to keep you motivated. One stop shop for a whole year!

     I’m determined to spread this self-care message to all kinds of people: different races, different ages, different genders, & everything in between. Self-care has to be prioritized or you’ll eventually begin to crash & burn personally.🔥 You’ll also struggle with your relationships because your mood may be all over the place. Nobody wants to be around someone with a negative attitude all of the time. Take care of yourself so you’ll foster healthier relationships. You’ve got to is! 💪🏽