Counting Blessings, Learning Lessons: A Journey of Gratitude 🙌🏽🙏🏽

When you look back on your life, how many valuable lessons do you think you’ve learned? 🤔 For me, I couldn’t count them if I tried. No matter how harsh or soft, each lesson turned out to be a blessing…at least it started to look that way after I changed my mindset. Come on this journey with me as I explain how I went from being Ms. Skeptical to Ms. Optimistic & figured out that blessings & lessons can be one & the same.

At The Starting Line: Are Blessings & Lessons the Same?🤨❓

Most of us remember a lot of the lessons we learned growing up. Our parents taught us things like manners, rules, & values. We learned various subjects in school. We learned life skills that continued to develop as we matured. But how many times did we think those blessings were lessons?🤷🏽‍♀️

     Back then, I definitely didn’t see the lessons I learned as blessings. 🙅🏽‍♀️ It was either all good or all bad for me, & 9 times out of 10, I’d view it as a negative thing. As a child, I didn’t get into much trouble, so learning lessons from discipline didn’t come very often. The last time I got my butt tore up was 5th grade for jumping the mattress off the bed in the room. I remember laughing & asking my sister & our friend what they were crying for when they got it too. I guess that’s when my dad knew I was a little off. Who laughs after a spanking? 😶

     After that, on the rare occasions I had to be punished, I was grounded in my room…which was far from a lesson since a) all of the things I loved were in my room, & b) I preferred to be there & away from people anyway. Needless to say, I didn’t learn much from that. In a weird way, those were blessings 😂!

     As I ventured into teenage years, life lessons started to set in more. Those years taught me a lot about taking my future seriously, relationships, friendships, & self-image. Check these out:

The Future 🔮

I was always an overachiever, so when I got to high school & people were competing to get into college, I went hard from start to finish. Mediocre wasn’t enough for me; I had to excel. All of my classes were either honors or AP, & I killed it every quarter. 🎓

     The one time I slacked off was in 9th grade English. I remember getting my only C on a report card, & when my teacher (who also happened to be my homeroom teacher) pulled me aside, Ms. Watson let👏🏽me👏🏽have👏🏽it👏🏽! She told me I was a half a point from a B, but she refused to give it to me because she knew I could do better. She schooled me on the importance of hard work & how competitive life can be. From then through graduation, there was never another C. 

     It was also good that my friend group was all about the books too. We played no games when it came to school. We had a little friendly competition amongst each other in class, but we also always made sure no one was left behind. We pushed each other to be great, & it sure worked because everyone of us went to college & at least have a Bachelor’s degree. 💪🏽

     My mom didn’t play about school either, so we knew not to bring home trash grades. We had a routine: come in from school, get a snack, sit at the kitchen table to do your homework, & get your chores done…all before she got home from work. Between the household structure & the high school experiences, it wasn’t an option for me to not take my future seriously. 🙅🏽‍♀️

Relationships 👩🏾‍❤️‍💋‍👨🏾

Chiiiiiiiile that first boyfriend laid the foundation to turn me into a monster. Being young & dumb, I believed everything he said. Even when several girls let me know he was still dealing with them, I’d fall back into the trap when those crocodile tears fell.😭 I had no clue how to navigate relationships & was caught up in the usual high school “we’re gonna be together forever” fantasy. 

     I put up with unnecessary mess, but there also weren’t many examples for me to model after. It seemed like every one of my friends were being cheated on too. Looking back, we were so naive, but those were valuable lessons I learned that I took into adulthood. 

Friendships 👯‍♀️

My friend group rolled deep in high school. I think it was like 8 of us; all smart, all heavily involved in activities, all cute, & you couldn’t tell us NOTHING! When one had an issue, we all had an issue. One band, one sound…until senior year. 🥁

     That year was the beginning of the end of the crew. The fallout between a few members of the group caused us to have to choose sides, & it was over some trivial mess. People & titles got in the way of something great, & it never was the same. 

     I learned a lot from that year, & it wasn’t in a positive way. I developed the mindset that “friends” compete with each other. I started not to trust others & side-eyed almost every female with potential to be my friend. 😒 I learned that there’s probably always going to be one person in your crew that thinks she’s the Beyoncé of the group. And all those lessons turned me into even more of an antisocial person.🚶🏾‍♀️✌🏽

Self-image 🪞

Those teen years did a doozy on my self-image. I was always shy & insecure about certain features, but 9th grade took it to another level. One boy teased me soooooo bad about how skinny my legs were that I stopped wearing dresses, skirts, & shorts. 👗 That was no bueno in this NC summer heat,🥵 but it didn’t matter as long as I was hiding one of the parts I was most insecure about.

     That, along with things that several family members would say, planted a seed of self-doubt & self-consciousness that ran so deep it didn’t begin to resolve for over a decade. I wore jeans & baggy clothes for what seemed like forever. It taught me people are mean & like to shade you most because they’re insecure themselves. I didn’t realize it back then, but it played a part in the way I am today (good & bad). During those teen years though, I didn’t see any of these issues being blessings.👎🏽

The Long Haul: Lessons + Lessons = Blessings 🏃🏾‍♀️🙏🏽

The older I got, the more observant I became. 👀 I was always quiet & watching who & what were around me, but those teenage lessons turned me cold. With the lack of trust in others & becoming a major skeptic, I was a little too cautious at times. After I got my head out of the clouds freshman year of college, I learned to enjoy companionship, but I didn’t want anyone to get emotionally close to me, & that didn’t work in my favor.

The Boys, With a Few Men Sprinkled Here & There 👦🏽🧔🏾‍♂️

Honey, once I became single in college, it was on! I probably went a good 6 months without a boo. I just had fun & enjoyed not having someone to second guess constantly. The relationship insecurities were out the door, & I met a nice lil variety of college guys during those months. But when it was time to be boo’d up again, all bets were off after a good 5-6 months.😩

     Per usual, the cutesy phase always disappeared after a few months when the FOS would emerge from their pores. Always a lie, always a chick or 2 or 10, always some mess. There were a few that were on some mature stuff, but most not. It taught me so many lessons about being naive & not trusting people that I came to expect mess in every relationship for a loooooong time. 😒🙄 As far as I was concerned, all men cheated & lied, point blank period. Lesson learned a million times over! 💯

     The blessing from all of the heartache, anger, & lack of trust I developed for 30 years came when I met husbae. 💍 The smallest things impressed me because I’d never experienced them before. I’d never encountered someone who wanted to know everything about me & would sit & listen to my crazy stories. I’d never met a man that could balance his grind & his relationship while also being an involved father. I’d never had a man be able to handle my dominant personality & independence but still had a way of being the man of the house & could tame me. 💪🏽 I’m definitely blessed!

The Education & Future Going Completely Off-Course 🧭

I learned 2 major lessons about education after high school: college will have you in debt before you can even buy liquor & the more competitive colleges required studying. I very rarely studied in high school. Math & science came pretty easily for me. English & history required me to do some memorizing…which I always did the morning before the test. Easy peasy lemon squeezy. 🍋 UNC was a whole different ballgame though. 😬

     My very first semester delivered me the first GPA below a 3.0, & ya girl was crushed! 😭 I didn’t know how to study, & my shyness & pride kept me from going to tutoring & office hours. I was on academic probation twice & had to sit out to do independent study classes. Took me 5 years, but I got that degree. 🎓

     When I decided to go to grad school almost 10 years later, that mediocre GPA wasn’t good enough for me. 🚫 I buckled down & somehow handled my schoolwork as I worked 2 full-time jobs & was a single mother. I got 1 B the whole time, & that was because a final discussion question response was due the day I moved, my internet wasn’t hooked up yet, & I was too tired to go to Starbucks for the free wifi. That was definitely a situation that I applied what I previously learned, which turned out to be a blessing.

     Financial aid was a blessing during school.💰 It never failed that a refund check would come through right on time. 🤑Whether I needed to catch up on bills or hit Express for an outfit, the money flowed every semester; every 12 weeks for grad school. It got me out of holes frequently, but the pit I’m in now…we won’t speak on! 😤🤬

     Go to college they say; it’ll be worth it they say…🐂💩! I’m sure it’s worth it if you go for a degree with a focused career, but I have yet to find out what to do with a sociology degree. It laid a foundation for working in behavioral health some, but there’s no real money in this field. And now that I’m finished with these degrees, ol Sally Mae or whatever the name is now sure wants that money back. And they could care less how you live after they take their cut of your check. If only I knew back then what I know now…

The Friendships That Became Near Nothing 👯‍♀️

Friendship has evolved so many times for me. I went from a big, tight crew to pretty much rolling solo the majority of the time. There were various reasons I fell out with people, but every one of those friendships that lasted for a reason or a season dropped gems on me. Here are some of the most valuable ones:💎

• You can’t call everybody your “friend:” I was definitely optimistic when it came to having female friends. I assumed they would have my back like I had theirs. I assumed there was no jealousy or competing. And I assumed everyone took things to the grave. Well, you know what they say about assuming…🫏

In the end, I found that those type of people are few & far between. Outside of my sisters, I have 4 that I’m really close to & can tell anything, & 1 of them has passed away. Those ladies have all been down with me for 10-30 years though.

• You can have different sets of friends: I have 3 groups of friends: the ones above, my married homegirl crew, & my work crew. I used to think it was hard to find women with the same morals & values as me, but they’re certainly out there. My married crew came about when I jumped out of my comfort zone & went on a retreat. 💍 My work crew has been through almost every type of life event possible together, & they defied my rule of not mixing business with pleasure. 🗂️

• If they can’t check you without you falling out, they’re not your friend: Many people think you’re supposed to have your friends’ backs through everything. Umm, false. When I get out of pocket, my people have full permission to check me. Instead of me thinking they’re hating or don’t know what they’re talking about, I view it as them really caring about me since they won’t let me get caught up in stupid stuff. 🚔

• You have to be comfortable with yourself before you can truly be comfortable with others: During the years I was insecure, didn’t trust people, & had somewhat lost my mind, I realize I was attracting the energy I put out. 🧲 Once I started spending more alone time & (more importantly) enjoying it, I recognized the change in the people in my circles. I finally have some real, thorough, mutually beneficial friendships.

• You can get along with females: It’s no secret that I’m not a people person, but I’ve always found it more difficult to connect with other females. Where many of them were (& still are) about makeup & being prissy, I’d rather have my sweats & a messy bun. 💄👠 Give me comfort over cute any day. Where they want attention, I prefer to play in the shadows & observe my surroundings. 🙈 And the pettiness, I’m too intolerant for any drama now. If you have too much, I’m going the other way.

I’ve been successful in finding my tribes though! I’ve found you can have a big group of females without drama. They just have to be mature & secure in themselves. And having those friendships have probably been the most valuable for me!

The Self-Image That Was Almost Non-existent 🤳

The insecurities I had about myself the majority of my life have been blessings too. The attitude that others’ opinions mattered & factored into how I felt about myself was revamped in my 30’s. Allowing people to get into my head & tarnish the way I felt about myself was a lesson I’m still learning at times. 

     I had to learn that people are going to have something to say about you regardless. It doesn’t matter if they like me or think whatever of me as long as I know who I am. 💯 Although the 2 main males who contributed to my insecurities did a lot of damage, I’ve learned to have tough skin, which is a blessing, especially today.

     I also learned that people are going to point out your flaws to deflect from dealing with their own. 👉 The irony of being teased by 2 overweight males for being skinny! The old me shut down, but this new one’s mouth is a lethal weapon. Thank God I can control it though.

Crossing the Finish Line: Turning Lessons to Blessings 🙌🏽

Changing the way I think took a lot of work, but it was worth it. I had to be real with myself first & acknowledge my negative thought patterns. If you don’t know better, you can’t do better. Taking the look in the mirror & saying “girl get yourself together” can be a doozy, but it’s well worth it. 🪞

     I had to look at everything in life through a more positive lens. Realizing you’re not the only person who has bad luck is a start. No one is immune to negative experiences, but we all can choose how to use those in positive ways. That’s when I started seeing lessons as blessings. 🙌🏽

     Regardless of how tough of a lesson something is, I try my best to find something positive about the situation. Here are a few examples of how I switched things up:

• Boyfriend got caught cheating?💔: Firing him makes you a free agent. You might end up stumbling across someone life-changing. You have enough on your hands worrying about yourself, so cut the dead weight.
• You lost your job?👩🏽‍💻: There’s something better out there for you. God doesn’t make mistakes. It just wasn’t where you needed to be anymore.
• Raining outside?☔️: You have an excuse to stay in & catch up on some rest, cleaning, TV, etc. Plus, rain makes pretty things grow. 🌼🌸
• Sick?🤒🤧: Your body needed rest & time to recover. And on top of that, you’re still living! Can’t beat that!

     Seeing life lessons as blessings will make them far easier to accept. You’re not alone in learning something valuable. Reflecting on some of the things I went through by reading my old journals, I have a wealth of advice to give. In fact, I’ve used the lessons I’ve learned to be a blessing to others by giving guidance. Why allow someone else to crash & burn when you know how to possibly navigate the territory? Each one teach one! Show love to humanity, even when you don’t get it back!🥰