Tell Me Who I Have to Be to Get Some Reciprocity: Riding the Rollercoaster of Love

Honey, “Ex-Factor” is probably my most loved Lauryn Hill song. 🎤🎶 The soulful voice mixed with the message hit me hard when I was going through relationship mess. Nothing is guaranteed when you take a gamble on love, & I’ve seen it all. Luckily, all that I’ve seen also came with lessons that have stuck with me & exposed me to new concepts when it comes to being on the rollercoaster of love. The law of attraction & 5 love languages are 2 of the most influential in my relationships, so I’ll share a few gems with you… 🥰😍💕

Getting on the Rollercoaster of Love 🎢

“All aboard! It’s time to ride” was all I heard when the love bug first bit me. 🐞💕 When you’re young, your concepts of love are so skewed. We have these fairytale expectations, & many of us think that first love will be our forever love. We’re all giddy & have the butterflies in our tummies. 🤭🦋 We spend ours on the phone & can’t wait to see each other. That puppy love was a fool!

     My first boyfriend was in my junior year in high school. My parents didn’t allow us to talk on the phone with boys until we were 16, so I didn’t experience the middle school/early high school “loves.” 📞🚫 There were plenty of cute boys, but even if I was allowed to talk to them on the phone, I was way too shy to even think about dating someone. So when I made it official with this one a little older who lived in the neighborhood, I was head over heels. 🙄

     Between my rose-colored glasses, the fictional beliefs about relationships I had (you know the dreamy Pisces ones ♓️🐟), & dysfunctional outlook on relationships that I didn’t realize were dysfunctional yet, I was so gullible. I’d catch him dealing with other girls, go off, cry, & let him sweet talk me right back into a hot mess. 😒 I just thought I was supposed to be forgiving & didn’t want to be alone. It was “in” to be boo’ed up in high school, & I didn’t want to be left out.

     The up & down of that ride went on until the spring of my freshman year in college. Ya girl was over it & wanted to see what else was out there. 👀🔭 And so she did…at least for a few months until I ended up in another relationship with someone I’d known since middle school. 👩🏾‍❤️‍💋‍👨🏾

       There wasn’t a damn thing reciprocal about that relationship, unless you count me being the heartbreaker in the end & initiating the breakup. 💔 It was me giving constantly: forgiveness, loyalty, not experiencing teenage life because he didn’t want me out doing the things he was doing. I guess I didn’t see it that way since so many people around me were going through the same things. All wrong, but lesson learned. ✅

The First Couple of Hills & Twists of the Rollercoaster 🎢

That second real relationship was decent, aside from he liked the female attention just like the first boyfriend did. 😒 I guess I just attracted dudes who enjoyed being ladies’ men. The only difference is he didn’t cheat the first time around. We just fell out because we were both going through serious life stuff,  & he wasn’t there for me when I needed him the most.  Somehow we reconnected a few years later. That time was better, but I still ended up in Club Cheater again! ✌🏽

     In the meantime between time, I was up & down hills & loops; sometimes enjoying the ride & screaming with joy & other times hysterically crying my eyes out. 🤣😭 I definitely tried not to get too deep with anyone to avoid those horrible feelings of betrayal & hurt. And so the Starting Lineup was created.

     The Starting Lineup was literally 5 different dudes that each had a role they played…& most knew what position they played & not to try to invade someone else’s area of “expertise.” 

1. My money dude: He got hit up whenever I wanted some cash. 💵 He wasn’t in college, so he didn’t experience the Ramen Noodle struggle fest many college student go through. He had money to burn, & I helped him do it. 🤷🏽‍♀️ 
2. Mr. Dates: His role was to take me out.💃🏽 He wasn’t trying to be serious & just wanted to have fun, so we’d hit the streets together & live it up. 
3. My conversationalist: Straight intellectual stimulation, & we could talk about anything. 🗣️ Hey, sometimes you just vibe on a deeper level but don’t connect in other ways.
4. Cripwalk: I got my lil bit of excitement via him…from afar (he lived in Arkansas). 💪🏽🔫  Campus life got a little boring, & the good girl in me wanted to see the other side. Guess that was the beginning of a good girl gone bad that would emerge a few years later.
5. Mr. Hush: Dude was strictly for behind closed doors (don’t judge me). 🤫 Give me what I need, no you can’t stay, ok byeeeeeeee! 👋🏽 

     Nobody was allowed to get close enough for me to get hurt, so it worked for the moment. I suppose I attracted all of the energy I was putting out there. Not sure if that was good or bad though since I was fulfilled somewhat & learned from those experiences. 

Hitting a Straightaway on the Rollercoaster 🎢 

I think my first decent, semi-normal relationship was in my early 20’s. It was long-distance, but we did ok until we basically outgrew each other. There was no disrespect, he was mature, & we both had chill personalities at the time. 😎  It went on for awhile, but we wanted 2 different things, so we parted ways. 🤷🏽‍♀️ 

I coasted a lot after that one. I was a new mother, so I wasn’t really trying to focus on having a man. 👩‍👦 My priorities changed some to make sure my son wouldn’t go without. There were little sprinkles of kicking it here & there, but nothing stuck until I lost my mind for a few years.

Back to Back Loops Until I Got Off the Rollercoaster 🎢 

When I lost it, I LOST IT! There was not one relationship that wasn’t dysfunctional. Every one of them involved some other woman. 👯‍♀️ Most of them involved me sacrificing for their benefit. I didn’t realize I was the prize. 🏆 Because of that I was willing to put up with damn near anything to avoid being alone. It played a big part in my mental health spinning out of control. 😵‍💫

     My life was all over the place; probably a result of the energy I was putting out there. Trying to live on the edge, I attracted dysfunctional yet risky men. 🧗‍♀️ When I was focused on getting money, I attracted the womanizing paper chasers. 🤑💸 When I stayed outside, the frequent clubbers came my way. 🥳🍾 It was so apparent (except for to me) that I needed to change to get different results.

     In March 2009, I decided I was sick of rollercoasters. 🎢  I knew what I wanted out of a relationship, knew what I deserved in a relationship, & was no longer willing to settle for less. Ironically, that’s when an angel came & rescued me from the ride. 😇👼🏽 I found a new best friend before I found an official relationship with him. It was the foundation needed to establish something mature, respectful, & mutually beneficial. 

     I’d written every aspect of a partner in my journal. 📝 Secretly, I was marking them off as I recognized them in the angel. In under 3 months, I’d marked off all 26 characteristics, & I knew he was the one. The friendship & having the same goals & values made things easy. Don’t get me wrong, we had some bumps, but they always brought us closer. Nine months later, ya girl had a ring. 💍 Add 10 months to that, & I’z married now! 👰🏽‍♀️🤵🏾‍♂️ Kick rocks rollercoaster! 🖕🏽✌🏽

The Law of Attraction Stopped the Rollercoaster 🎢 🛑

Not many people believe in the law of attraction. 🧲 They think it’s just another cliched saying. I, on the other hand, have firsthand knowledge of it working. I literally spoke my husband into existence. Not one thing on that list was negotiable, & God delivered. BUT BUT BUT I had to do some work first.

     Before I officially hopped off the ride, I had to get uncomfortable to become comfortable. Let me explain: I was uncomfortable being alone. That put me in a dark place & created a codependent young lady. Codependency is exhausting, & it & I wore each other out! 😩😮‍💨 Once I hit the bottom of the barrel, that reflection in the mirror got real. 🪞 I had to change myself to attract what I wanted & needed.

     Journaling developed that skill for me. Writing was therapeutic. 📝 Flooding pages with my emotions & battling my demons allowed me the ability to dispose of the junk & make room for the good life. 🚮 Once I became ok with being alone (both physically & relationship-wise), got my mental in check, & revised my priorities, I was able to attract something healthier & more positive. 

     I wrote about my dreams. 💭 I made notes on the kind of person I wanted to be & the type of life I wanted. I manifested something positive once I set my mind on being entirely different. And I prayed on that thang frequently! I later found that the more I spoke things out loud & in writing & did the work to attract them, the more I received. Made me a complete believer & influenced me to create the Intentional Journal!

     Now that I’m a firm believer in the ability to attract what you want & speak things into existence, I’m in a more positive frame of mind. I went from thinking the worst of everything to being more optimistic. 🥰🤩 Ya girl is still cautious around folks I don’t know, but I don’t immediately think the worst of situations anymore. I learned that you have to believe you deserve what you desire, & then make an effort to get it. What you put out into the universe will come back; trust that! 🤞🏽 Next week, we’ll dive into how to keep what you’ve attracted…