How Meditation Helped Me Be Less of a Hellion & More of a Good Person

Thank God for growth! The person I was 20 years ago is far from the person I am today. I dressed differently, hung with a different crowd, did different things, thought differently, & was attracted to a totally different type of man. Although I can attribute most of my growth being from maturity, meditation definitely had a hand in me being a better person over the years. Come with me down memory lane…

Back in the Day

Chile, chile, chile…2003 Meia was a lot! There were very few weekends I didn’t spend in the club. And when I say weekends, I mean Friday through Sunday. There were times I went home just to change so I could be dressed appropriately for work. I definitely had my share of working with a hangover. I was on a mission to make up for all of the years I was a goody two shoes, & I succeeded!

     Not only was I drinking in the club, I was also getting high sometimes before going out. It got so bad that we wouldn’t go out if we didn’t have a pill to pop beforehand. I remember going to Sunrise Service one year still high. That’s around the time I knew there was a problem. 

     I was straight knuck if you buck too. My friends & I didn’t bother anybody, but if it came down to it we were with whatever energy the other party was on. There was no backing down; whether we lost or won. My mouth was ruthless. I was far from Michelle Obama’s going high when they go low. I lived to low blow someone, watch them hurt, & bow out of the argument. In fact, I found it entertaining to go back & forth with another female, especially over a guy. I’d go word for word with them until I got bored, hit them with a low blow to hurt their feelings, & then laugh about it for days. The tongue is indeed the strongest muscle in the human body, & mine was a heavyweight champ!

     I could have cared less what people thought of me. I was called everything but a child of God & had no feelings about it. I did what I wanted & didn’t care too much about what others thought or felt about it. I felt like I’d earned the right to feel that way since I’d been quiet & a model citizen my whole life. 

     And the guys I dealt with…honey, if they didn’t sell dope or have some clout I didn’t want them. Very few had jobs, & if they did it was just a cover for selling drugs. They had no ambition. They lived for the day. They had multiple baby mamas, all of which came with drama. They cheated all the time, & my dumb ass was the classic ride or die chick. In other words, I was a hot mess!

The Journey to the Other Side

Having my son made me grow up, but that didn’t really begin to happen until he started school. Being in my early 20s after being the responsible girl forever had me experiencing & doing the things I should have been doing in high school & college. I was too busy working full time & going to school instead of going on road trips, getting pissy drunk, & running the streets. Once I realized how my wild ways were impacting my kid, I knew I needed to get it together.

     I cut back a lot on going out. The scene was just the same people in the same places with different clothes on. I left the drugs alone. I started seeing a therapist, & I started using the coping skills I was teaching the clients I worked with. Seeing your child flinch when you come near them does something to your soul. I didn’t want him to fear me in that way, so I had to make some changes.

     Journaling helped a lot! I always liked writing, but being able to pour my thoughts & feelings out on some paper gave me a new way to deal with life. That was something I did every day. Then when the stress of everyday life started building up, I had to find a new coping skill to throw in. That’s when meditation came on in the door.

     I’ll admit, at first I was like “this is some bull.” My mind constantly is racing so it was difficult for me to stop thinking. I would concentrate on my breathing for about a minute before my mind drifted off to something I needed to do. That’s when I realized I needed to start small & work my way up.

     My attention span isn’t what it used to be. I used to be able to sit in class for hours & not lose focus. Now, if I’m not engaged in the first couple of minutes, I’ll look like I’m paying attention but my mind is definitely not on the conversation. I’m a master multitasker, so it feels weird to just have 1 thing going on at a time. Starting with the Mindfulness app on my Apple Watch helped condition my mind to meditate. I’d set a timer for it to go off every few hours so I could take a minute to disconnect, breathe, & decompress.

     When I discovered the Calm app, meditation became more common & easier for me. Being guided through the 7-12 minutes helped me to stay on task. Hearing an uplifting or enlightening focus helped me to feel a better sense of being calm. I went from being ready to cuss people out every day & taking the negative thoughts to bed with me to turning on my daily session & letting it all go before bed. I’ve even thrown in a lunchtime session now to help to decompress midway through the day. It’s helped relieve some of the pressure from early morning shenanigans. 

     Between maturity, coping skills, & meditation, I’m a different monster. Don’t get me wrong; I still have a lethal mouth. I just choose my words a little wiser now (unless I’m provoked). I’m able to let things go a little faster. Why carry all that weight & negativity on your back? I’ve learned to allow my brain to take breaks, something I’ve never been able to do. I can honestly say  I know how to recognize my triggers & zone out when necessary.

     If you don’t want to subscribe to an app like Calm, YouTube has plenty of free meditations you can check out. They have all types that can help you focus more, fall asleep, or just disconnect. Set a time daily to try it out & see how it impacts your life. I’m definitely an advocate for it!