I Like Me, Especially Rolling Solo!

Single life sucks! Did I get your attention? I hear & see that from a lot of people, but how true is that really? Yes, being in a relationship has its perks, but that doesn’t negate single life either. There may be more positives than you realize!

     It’s been 13 years since I was single (almost 12 if you count not being married), but I remember those times. Some of them were really dark times. I’d find myself wondering what was wrong with me when everyone around me had a boo. I remember times when all of my sisters had partners…& then there was me…with my son. It was enough to make me get in my head & second-guess how dope I actually was. 

     At my lowest, man was I low! I had so much negativity going on around me, & coupled with feeling unwanted, I had suicidal thoughts. Thank God for working in the behavioral health field! I knew what I needed to do to handle my mental health & went into therapy. It made me see things in a totally different way. 

     Then the real work came! I dove completely into working on myself. I took a leave of absence from grad school, started reading & spending time with my son more, & began journaling. That was the beginning of my nightly routine of journaling. I also drew closer to some really insightful folks who told me what I needed to hear & cheered me on. My support team was thorough, even without most of them knowing what I was battling. I needed them more than they knew, & I owe them endlessly.

     The best advice I got was to focus on bettering myself & what I needed & wanted will come. I came to appreciate & value alone time. I found leisure activities to do solo. I started embracing not having plans with other people. The peace & quiet became something I enjoy. It’s something powerful about the house being quiet & being able to think clearly!

     During my moments of newfound clarity, I started to really understand what I wanted, but more importantly needed, in my future. I knew I wanted to get married, but prior to then, my expectations weren’t too high. I got specific with what I wanted in a partner & made a list. Each time something else came to mind, I put it on my list. I think I ended up with somewhere around 25-30 qualities that weren’t negotiable. It was another 3 months before I started checking off boxes on that list.

     Life snatched me into something serious when I started checking off boxes. Before long, this new boo had checked off all of my qualities, & he had no clue I was keeping a checklist. I knew I could take him serious & that I had done the work on myself to be ready for what was to come. The power of speaking things into existence & prayer are mind-blowing! I ended up engaged 11 months after meeting & married 10 months after that to my boo thang.

     Now while I love my married life, I still value my alone time. The moments don’t come as often anymore because there’s always a husband, kid, dog or work that needs my attention. Togetherness is cool (especially since it’s always a good time when I’m with my boo), but you have to find balance between that & alone time. And babyyyyy when the alone time comes, the kid lives it up! 

If I’m Alone, Does It Mean I’m Lonely?

     Alone absolutely DOES NOT equal being lonely! Being alone just means you’re physically by yourself, but it doesn’t mean you have negative feelings about it. Me time is a time to find freedom & inspiration. It’s also a time to  rejuvenate mentally & physically. 

     During this alone time, there’s a catch: you’re not truly alone if you’re interacting with others on social media &  on your phone. Me time is just that: time by & for yourself! 

What’s So Good About Rolling Solo?

     For those who don’t have a significant other, y’all may be giving me the major side-eye, but check it out: alone time has its benefits. Some of them are: 

• It’s a confidence booster. I definitely felt more sure of myself after I spent my solo time & became more in tune with myself. Things that I put up with before became things of the past. No more settling!
• Self-awareness heightens. Soul searching is a wonderful thing! You can find out so much about yourself when you’re alone. I still experience this benefit now. It gives me an opportunity to recognize when I need to take a timeout from others. This was a big one for me!
• Self-value rises. There was no one to push me to feeling down about myself when I was alone. I started knowing who I was & what I deserved. Miss me with the mess!
• More self-exploration. Boy did I find out more about myself when I had time to focus on myself! I found new interests, likes, & dislikes. Definitely made me grow, & I enjoy growing more each time I take quality time out for alone time!
• Improves creativity. I always had a vivid imagination, but alone time allowed me to take it to a more creative level through writing. I became interested in writing books & learning more about various things. Creativity gives your mind time to roam freely.
• You’re less stressed. Being around people can be stressful. There are plenty of times I’ve said “I hate people” (at least once a week). Other people’s issues can bring your mood down & stress levels up. I’m more than willing to take breaks from folks! After a break from people & it comes time for you to be social again, you’ll value being around those who make you feel good instead of wasting time with those who don’t. 

How Can I Prioritize My Me Time?

     First & foremost, schedule your me time! It’ll be a way to block off time for yourself & a reminder to hold yourself accountable. Don’t use it as a treat for dealing with others. It’s the reverse; others are rewarded by spending time with you, honey!

     Once the time is on the books, figure out what you’re going to do…or not! Get outside & enjoy some fresh air & the beauty of nature. Do something you love or something you’ve never done before. Catch up on rest. Here are some other activities to try: 

https://www.quiet-blue.com/blogs/news/49-self-care-activities-to-do-alone-and-with-others

https://www.coffeewithsummer.com/self-care/self-care-activities/

Whatever you do, disconnect from all devices! Alone time means away from electronics.

     Once you have your plans, let others know when they are. You’ll have interruptions if you don’t let people know that time slot is for you & you only. Eventually, they’ll begin to respect that you’re taking alone time, so give them that same energy when they ask for their time too.

How Will I Know When I Need Me Time?

     Oooooh chile, you’ll know! I can feel it building up when it’s getting near time for me to dip off. The more you spend time alone, the more you’ll get to know your signs & triggers. Here are a few warning signs:

• Feeling short-tempered (The Grinch pulls up on me 😂)
• Getting easily irritated by sometimes minor things (Here he comes again)
• Losing interest in doing things with other people (This is normally how I function. Groups are not my friend, so this isn’t a red flag for me)
• Feeling overwhelmed or overstimulated (🙋🏽‍♀️ almost daily)
• Having trouble concentrating
• Getting anxious about spending time with other people (The introvert in me causes this at times)

     The more alone time you have, the better off you’ll be. You’ll find out some deep & different things about yourself. If you’re single, take advantage of those moments. They can only produce a better you. And remember, there are lonely people in relationships, so don’t think that’s the solution to what you think is a problem of being alone. Count it all as a blessing!