The Only Limit to Boundaries is the One You Set!

There’s a 3-syllable word that everyone needs in their vocabulary & life: boundaries! We’re quick to set them with people who get on our nerves, with our kids, & sometimes with work, but how often do we set & hold steady to the ones in our romantic relationships? I’ve been in relationships that had next to no boundaries: going through each other’s phones, taking each other’s things without permission, allowing outsiders to have input in the relationship, all types of mess. The old me is dead & gone, & my healthy marriage has boundaries.

     Boundaries can be put on anything. There’s no limit to what a person will & will not accept in any relationship. You have to teach people how to treat you. There’s no cookie cutter manual that shows people what to do in relationships, & you can’t do the same things with everyone. We’re all individually & beautifully made, therefore we all have individualized needs, preferences, & standards. 

     Thank God for growth because I can honestly say that establishing boundaries in my marriage was one of the signs that I was maturing. I’d put up with anything just to avoid being alone, especially if my sisters & homegirls were in relationships. There wasn’t anything that was unforgivable. I gave a pass for cheating, disrespect, being used, being put in danger, all types of mess. I thought that ride or die chick was the type of woman to be…NOT! 

     With wisdom, experience, & some deep personal work, I learned how toxic my patterns were & killed off Ms. Ride or Die. Nailed that casket shut & buried it in 2010, but it wasn’t easy. I had to read some books to get educated on toxic traits (“Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie was a good one) & be REALLY real with myself. Do you know how hard it is to look yourself in the mirror & say “girl, you’re contributing to the dysfunction & toxicity, & you need to take responsibility for it?” It took me to a dark place, but darkness doesn’t have to last always! I was determined to find a match & light the place up!

     Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship concept in which one person gives to the other, neglecting their own needs & wants to satisfy their partner. Many people do this in relationships just to keep a partner. I’m not talking about ones who give in most of the time. I’m talking about those who never prioritize themselves when it comes to their partner. 

     Boy, did I do this a lot! When I reflect on some of the relationships I was involved in, I realize how much I didn’t value myself. I treated the guys with husband privileges many times while many of them treated me like I was the flavor of the week. That comes from my previous life experiences, whether it was from interactions with family or peers. My past experiences definitely played into my codependence, but that’s not always the case with people. 

     I thought that being caring & supportive was the way I was supposed to act in a relationship. Yes it is, but not when it comes to enabling irresponsible or destructive behavior. You can’t make liquor store runs when your partner is battling alcoholism. You can’t consistently pay the bills & give out money when you know your partner keeps gambling their money away. You can’t keep allowing a simple “I’m sorry” to be enough for being mistreated. Enabling behavior only serves as a positive reinforcer. Without consequences for the actions, the behavior will continue. 

     Enter boundaries. You have to know what you’re willing to accept & what you need in order to establish boundaries. There’s no shame in making a list of those things so you really know. I’ve done several brainstorm sessions about things I need to decide on by using pros & cons lists. Take it back to English class; get your pen & paper, divide it in half, & write down what you will & wont deal with. It’ll help you understand yourself & help your partner to be aware of your boundaries.

Do You Think You’re Codependent?

     Now had I known a little earlier what codependency was & how it looked, I may have been able to change my behavior & spare my feelings sooner. But hey, if you don’t know, you don’t know. Better late than never! Here’s a list of some signs of codependency to do some self-reflection with:

• Being overly responsible for others (🙋🏽‍♀️ guilty)
• Making excuses for your partners’ lack of action & handling their responsibilities for them (🙋🏽‍♀️guilty again)
• Criticizing yourself & being a perfectionist (hello, 🙋🏽‍♀️ me again)
• Putting your Rescue Ranger hat & cape on makes you feel needed
• Putting your needs & wants on pause to prioritize others’ needs & wants (🙋🏽‍♀️, y’all tired of seeing my hand raised yet?)
• Having low self-esteem
• Having a hard time being assertive & setting boundaries (Thank God I’m deliveredt!) 
• Not liking to ask for help when it’s needed (🙋🏽‍♀️ still here)

     Self-reflection is real, people! I’m so guilty of having these qualities in the past & still struggling with a few of them with certain people now. Being a Rescue Ranger is exhausting though! I’ve had my fair share of burnout from taking care of everyone’s business far too often, & it’s not fun! Nothing like literally not being able to move from the bed because everything from your toes to hair hurts. You have to prioritize your self-care & goals so you can be rested & fulfilled.

So You See the Signs, Now What?

     The key to getting past codependency is to grab the bull by the horns. There’s no other way around it outside of getting into the dirty parts of your being & making changes. It’s so easy to point the finger at anyone other than ourselves, but when it comes to looking into the mirror we become blind.

     First things first: you have to be aware of the signs of codependency & what a healthy relationship looks like. If you don’t know what to look for, you can’t correct it. Check out some of the resources I’ll mention below, but keep in mind that relationships aren’t only 1 way. Base your standards on what you & your partner believe, but make sure they’re not causing either of you to lack.

     Next, set those boundaries & stick to them. Know what you are willing to do & accept, & then let your partner know. A person will cross boundaries, but those who really care will respect them when you make them aware of yours. Your boundaries will let your partner know if their behavior is negative because the consequences will fall on them. Some people don’t learn until they’re shown, so allow them the opportunity to fall on their faces sometimes.

     There is power in one of the shortest words in the dictionary: NO. Think about how kids feel or how a dog looks when they’re told “no.” Whole demeanor changes, but you’ve probably saved them from some type of harm. The same goes for you. Say “no” when you’re choosing between your needs & wants & those of your partner. It’s ok to advocate for yourself!

     Third, self-care, self-care, & more self-care! Where would Intentional be without throwing out the importance of self-care? We all have basic needs so we can thrive: food, shelter, rest, safety, affection, free time, comfort, & consistency. Just like kids, we as adults need to have our basic needs met to flourish. Figure out what you need to achieve real rest, relaxation, & rejuvenation. Try some things out & make a self-care toolbox. 

     Schedule time to pour into yourself. Taking a few minutes daily works best. Even if it’s 5-15 minutes to meditate or journal, it gives you time away from the busyness of the day. Who deserves some time for self-care more than yourself? Not a soul!

     If all else fails (or before it does), seek professional help. Therapy is a gem! You have someone who trained for years that’s there to listen, offer clinically-appropriate advice, & be judgment-free. It also is a form of self-care that you may be less liable to postpone since you have to pay for it 😉. Keep an open mind & see how it makes you feel. But remember, you have to push through the weeds to get to the pretty parts.

     To make sure your self-care practices are effective when battling codependency, there are 5 things to keep in mind:

• Check in often! You can’t do this alone, so make sure you have a team available to support you. Keep them up-to-date on your progress, & do self-checks as well. 
• Stick to your self-care routine!Now you don’t have to take a trip monthly, but you do need to prioritize the little things that matter such as a nighttime routine, getting outside & exercising, engaging in activities that stimulate your mind, & spending quality time with your loved ones.
• Give yourself props! There’s nothing wrong with patting yourself on the back. You’re your best & biggest cheerleader!
• Set firm boundaries. You can lovingly enforce your boundaries with your significant other. The key is to detach from enabling them by empowering yourself.
• Let it out! Remember that support system? Let them know when you’re struggling. We all have weaknesses & times of trouble. Let them assist you for once!

     Codependency can be a beast to get out of, especially if you’ve been in that routine for awhile. I didn’t know how bad it was until I was in a dark place. Thank God for having people in my life with real life experience that could lead me to resources that helped! I’m still a work in progress with some things & some people, but putting up boundaries & learning to assert myself have worked wonders for my relationships. I’m able to set a positive example of a marriage for my kids. If there was hope for me, someone who takes on too much frequently, there’s hope for anybody! Check these resources out below. Stay up, Evolvers! You’ve got this!

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-s-the-best-codependency-treatment-5070487

https://positivepsychology.com/codependency-definition-signs-worksheets/