Tell Me What You Really Need, & Don’t Hold Back!
Communication has changed so much since I’ve set foot on the Earth! Back in the day 😂, we passed notes in class, mailed letters, talked on the house phone, & had face-to-face convos. I didn’t mind doing any of those…except my shyness didn’t allow me to talk much in-person. Now, we can throw in text messages, email, snaps, & DMs, all of which make communication less personal but slightly easier to say whatever comes to mind. None of these are the best method when it comes to communicating in a relationship though. Face-to-face is best!
Communication is probably one of the biggest things that needs to be mastered when it comes to relationships. It’s the foundation that’s necessary to be successful & healthy. Your partner should be the main person you can go to with anything, but that’s not always the case. Some people need a little upgrade, but no worries! We’re gonna look into how to get you right!
Know Your Communication Style
First things first: you have to know how you & your partner communicate before you can be effective communicators. I think I might be a combination of all 4 communication styles; it all just depends on who I’m speaking to & what the context is. One conversation could be me being completely open & listening to the other person without judging or getting defensive, while another conversation can be me not saying too much because I don’t want to offend or hurt someone.
The 4 communication styles are:
- Passive: These folks hold it all inside, much like I described above. They’re more focused on people-pleasing, so it’s hard for them to say “no.” This was me up until my 30’s. I didn’t like the uncomfortable feeling of saying “no” & risking a confrontation. I gave in to so much that I shouldn’t have & compromised my own feelings & happiness for others to get what they wanted. I’d get anxiety when I thought there would be a conflict, & I realize now I was too nice.
Passive communicators give up their needs for others, & that’s not healthy. It won’t make you happy to constantly give in to your partner at the expense of your own needs. Compromise is what’s needed for a balanced relationship; we’re not bypassing our needs all of the time!
- Aggressive: Lord, bless this group of communicators! They can be Team Too Much because they can be really intense & confrontational. Because of this, they can have trouble connecting with others. Nobody wants to deal with someone who does the most all the time!There are very few times I’m this person, & when I go there it’s because someone has pushed me to that point of no return. I know some people who communicate this way all of the time though, & for some reason, they never seem to be at fault 🤔. You can’t win in a relationship when your partner communicates this way!
- Passive-aggressive: When there’s too much sarcasm to avoid conflict, you know you have one of these communicators on your hands. Boy, have I been this sarcastic person many a time! My mouth gets slick but I’m not trying to argue.
These communicators beat around the bush when it’s time to express negative feelings. They’re indirect instead of confronting the issue head on. This isn’t effective either because your true feelings aren’t laid out for your partner.
- Assertive: The best communicators are this type. They know how they feel & have no problems expressing themselves clearly & appropriately. They say what they mean & mean what they say.
I can do this when I put my mind to it & really care about the person I’m talking to. It takes some work to be an assertive communicator, but it’s worth it. Both parties will understand what’s going on, & it might be done in a manner that spares everyone’s feelings.
It’s important to know how well you communicate & the same for your partner so you can come to a common ground. Who wants to argue all the time or not communicate at all? Definitely not I! Figure out your style, & see what you can do to improve where you are. Most of us could use a little work!
Putting Your Needs on the Table
Now that you know how you communicate, it’s time to put your needs out there for your partner to be aware. Relationships are about give & take, so you have to make sure you’re doing your part on both. It can be about you, but it can’t JUST be about you.
It can be hard to discuss your needs with your partner, especially if you don’t feel like they’re being fulfilled. You might feel hesitant about expressing your feelings because you don’t want to make your significant other feel some type of way, or you may want to avoid an argument. BUT, you can’t avoid the conversation. That’ll only lead to feeling resentment towards them.
First, you have to know what your needs are. A lot of us know a few things, but we rarely think about everything we really need to thrive in the relationship. Start by making a list of all of your needs in the following categories (yes, needs are deeper than just physical):
- Physical
- Emotional
- Intellectual
- Spiritual
- Social
Once you have your list, you need to be able to articulate what’s on it. Timing is everything when it comes to the discussion. Not only do you both need to be in the mood to talk about important, serious things, but you also need to be free from distractions. Use it as a time to connect; put the phones away, cuddle up, & talk.
The next important pointer is to remember you’re a team. Don’t make it into a debate, lecture, argument, or bashing session. Explain your needs by using “I feel” statements instead of “You don’t/do” statements. It’s imperative that you don’t feel like you’re attacking or being attacked. Each of you learning these things about the other will only bring you closer.
Once you say your piece, it’s time to listen. Your partner should have been actively listening while you were speaking as well. Active listening involves asking questions for clarity & being able to paraphrase what you heard. If you’re engaged like this, your partner will know you care & are paying attention.
Now that you both know what’s needed from each other, put some practice behind catering to those needs. Show effort. Yes, you’ll be doing the giving, but just think about the return for your relationship. Also, check in on a regular basis on how things are going. You won’t know things are successful if you don’t check the progress. This isn’t a one-time convo! Schedule your check-ins!
Communication is about creating a connection. Without it, you’ll lack understanding of what your partner needs. Your partner will feel valued & that you care about how they feel. Once you start communicating more effectively, the intimacy on all levels will increase.
Nobody communicates perfectly every time, so we can all use a little improvement at some point in time. Check these resources out. We’ll start putting some of these tips into play next week.
https://www.tonyrobbins.com/ultimate-relationship-guide/key-communication-relationships/
https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/10-ways-have-excellent-communication-with-your-loved-one.html
https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/5-easy-ways-to-communicate-better-in-your-relationships/
