Talk That Talk 

Rounding out this month’s focus for Emotional Wellness Month, we end with communication. Emotional wellness is probably not the first thing that comes to mind when the word “communication” comes up, but it’s a necessary component. Think about it: there’s no other way to get your point across regarding how you feel than through communication.

     Expressing yourself to others helps in so many ways. It’s a way to get things off of your chest. Decompressing aids in decreasing stress levels. It helps others to understand you. Whether it’s verbally or through body language, a combo of both will allow others a glimpse into your head. Communication also builds a connection with others. As humans, we need connections, especially when we don’t think we need them. There’s really no reason that communication isn’t beneficial.

     In order for it to be beneficial though , communication must be effective. Any lack will cause a breakdown, leading to more stress than before. One technique that is a must-have is assertiveness. Assertiveness is communicating with others in a direct & honest manner without intentionally hurting anyone’s feelings. No one can advocate for you better than YOU! But you have to make sure the way you’re self-advocating is received well.

     Using I-You statements is one effective assertiveness technique. Speaking about your own actions & feelings takes the sting out of hard conversations. Think about how you felt when someone was finger-pointing without taking any responsibility for the issue. I know it made me either cower as a child or get defensive as an adult. Neither one of those ways is healthy nor will they help the issue at hand. Focusing on yourself & what you can bring to resolve the issue eases the convo & leads to solving things as a team.

     Being assertive adds so much to communication, but you have to know what you’re bringing to the table by being this way. Here are some pointers when being assertive:

• Respect the wants, needs, & feelings of others. Everyone doesn’t think the same, so accept that their viewpoints may be different from yours. That’s the beauty in being individuals.
• Try to solve the problem when there’s a conflict instead of leaving things at odds. Unresolved conflict keeps the door open, but finding solutions that benefit everyone closes things.
• Be honest but don’t try to make the other person feel guilty for how you feel. The point is to be mutually beneficial, so hurting someone else for your benefit keeps the negative cycle going.
• Say things such as “I feel…” & “I think…” instead of “you did…” Being accusatory only puts the other person’s guard up & may cause more harm.
• Skip interrupting. You’re not listening if you’re interrupting them, & listening is the partner to speaking in communication.
• Figure out issues together. Two heads are better than one, so use each other’s brains to come up with the best solution for you both.
• If things don’t go right, use it as a learning curve. Life experience is the best experience to improve yourself.

     Being assertive takes a lot of practice. I’ve come a long way because I was so passive. I used to swallow anything someone else said & suffer in silence. It would eat me up inside, or I’d end up exploding on someone else about something they had nothing to do with. Now, I think I need to reel it back in at times. I’m very straight up-no chaser, but it’s worked so much better for me. People understand my boundaries. And besides, a closed mouth doesn’t get fed!

     Assertiveness & good communication skills come in handy when difficult conversations come around. Whether they’re difficult for you or the other party, there are ways to ease the tension. Nobody wants to have an uncomfortable convo, but that’s the only way to improve or resolve things. Check these tips out:

• Make sure there’s an understanding between yourself & the other person so you both feel heard & can benefit. Ground rules allow you both to know what to do & not do.
• Enforce the rules you create by reminding others when they’ve crossed a boundary. People won’t get the point unless you’re consistent in letting them know when they’ve gone out of bounds.
• Put a timer on when you’re having a difficult convo. When the bell goes off, it’s over!
• Get moving. Walking & talking helps lessen tension…& you can get some steps in while you’re at it. Nothing like killing two birds with one stone! #multitasking
• Remember that communication is deeper than the words spoken. How you say what you say & what you do when you say it are just as important.

     Express yourself! Spill the beans! Get it off your chest! However you want to put it, make sure you communicate your needs to others. Nobody can explain them better than the person experiencing them! Furthermore, if you don’t express your feelings, you leave room for assumptions. You deserve to feel good, so play a part in making that happen! Figure out how well you communicate by taking this quiz (http://www.pammargetson.ca/quizzes_expressneeds.asp),then check out the resources that follow.

https://www.rewire.org/communicating-needs-selfless/amp/

https://revelle.ucsd.edu/res-life/life-skills/assertiveness.html#How-to-be-effectively-assertive